Backed

I wanted to escape

We all know time flies. We are not the person we were yesterday. It took so much just been through one day. All these struggles make us better and stronger man.

I used to learn and get to know things in an easy way. I haven't been thoughtful and careful enough. I haven't been mature and I rather being a kid most of the time.
This 4 months was hard enough. Being in another world I just refuse to get in but then having no other option. It was really hard. I don't know how I survive that but I just did. I may seems happy and people think I do or I just wanted them to think that way?

There was plenty of time I wanted to say how hard it has been but there is no one. There is never someone. I remember I was so used to be struggling, and mostly in late nights, I couldn't sleep but just staring at the sky or the emptiness of everything, thinking. It can never fill the void I knew. I remember I talk to no one because I don't even know what was going on and it was not sheer exaggerate at all that I couldn't fall asleep in night. I don't know how should it be settled and how should I take all these in time.

I came back as another person. I don't think I could be the one I used to be. I couldn't find myself anymore. I feel like I lost it like forever and it's too much and intense to feel everything. All these sunrises and sunsets felt never the same like they used to be. I don't seem fathomed all the things I remembered. I never look at the same thing the same way I did. They are never the same. I am different and I have changed in some way that I hadn't knew but I just did. There is nothing can define what is it now.

I was supposed to meet up with everyone I could think of but now I'm saying this was no big business. I don't have to share this all along. People are busy and I'm the one has nothing to do just seems so odd cause I have always been the busy one. Maybe it's just the fact that we don't mean that much to each other like how we think we do.

For all the record I could remember, I'm nothing more than disappointment. If you ever happen to have just a little bit expectation on me that you might prepare yourself for the worst case because it never turns out otherwise. I'm living with these, every single day of my life, having every kind of reminder of how failed I'm in this life, things couldn't be worse. 

I don't know what to say, I don't know how to put all these into limited boxes in my head and arrange them systematically so I got it all controlled. When it comes to night then I'm screw. Can never do something quite just because my mind keep running and thinking. One moment I'm with these but my mind was with others the next. I couldn't hold myself for any longer.

I don't know. I've tried not to think but it doesn't help. Well, I'm screwed.