Comparing to others , mine is consider okay. But I wasn't that type of OKAY student. I wasn't okay. Oh please , I cant get over. I need some rest. I need a getaway from life. Please. I don't deserve this and I couldn't cry in front of anyone just because I didn't get my expected results. I cant expect anyone would ever be with me when I'm fallen. I can't bear if anyone would ever wonder I'm okay. I'm okay , as always. I have to be. This isn't fake. I'm just not that type of let it out person.
I knew it's not good. But somehow I've adapted to it , just different intensity. And apparently , this is quite a big load. I'm doing it all along. I'm happy. I believe I'm. And I want everyone to believe that as well cause I'M HAPPY.
That is a heartbreaking day for many of us. I think I'm the latest one to know my results. It didn't break my heart in that particular moment. It broke me when I'm awaken the every next minute. Somehow I manage to comfort some of my friends who got a better than me but not expected results and the who got bad results. I manage to smile a little though I'm dying in deep.
I'm the one who caused this happen and I deserve it from every now and then. I thought I'm the lucky one. I thought I've done enough of revision. I thought I can make it like the last time I did. It wakes my up. I cant behave like this throughout my STPM. I would fail harder than this. It's a pain lesson though , I have to make it worth any less or more.
Leave me alone , please. I need privacy. I don't need you to tell me every minute I should be studying my Biology or memorizing my Chemistry reaction. I don't need you to tell me what to do. I did too many as you wish. I have never disappoint you once. And it did sounds like I should get every possible results you wished. I can't bear any failure in any place on earth that you wouldn't expect me to. In fact , I did this time. It breaks me for disappointing you. It breaks you too for hoping in me for the first time. At some point, I should do it for just myself. For the life I wanted to be in my future and anywhere I wanted to be on earth.
You've never realized it broke me in parts and even more as you did. You're treating me like I'm anyone who had not realize my fault and going on to fail at any chance. Apparently , I'm not. Just I don't mind telling you. I'M HAPPY EVEN IF THE SKY FALLING. I'm happy even I got all red. That's me. I don't like anyone on earth to know my dark sides. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE SAD IN FRONT OF ANYONE. It's not I'm faking or hiding or even I'm not believing in anyone. It's just I cant. And probably by words , I could be more comfort than ever like what I'm doing now.
It was a dense week with the rising temperature and unbearable haze. Airplane crash everywhere and everyone on earth must have been affected any more or less. Praying so hard for anyone related. My problem seems as tiny as a little sand in the whole universe. I don't have inner peace and I can't find any. I've no idea what I should do.
I need to be alone. That's all I knew I should have now. I don't have any corner in my house. It was packed. I don't have my room and I don't have my place. I'm so desperate for it since I've never had. I don't know how it feels like to have a room. I mean I can do whatever I want and put whatever I want in my room. I could cry so hard and nobody would ever know. I can be laying on my bed all day long while nobody would've a second thought of asking me to wake up. I wanted be with myself in complete silence and I don't want to deal with it every time in late night.
"You've to get up by your own cause nobody could ever do that for you , never ever." I'm getting up by myself. And you should've known better. I'm trying so hard to be the one you wished me to. And at some point I need you to tell me to pause for a moment being the one you want. You don't know. You hadn't know.
I need you to bring me out. I need family vacation. I need a faraway travel. I need a week of getaway for whatever I'm dealing now. I've never traveled to anywhere far. I hadn't be in any other countries on earth than in local. I had not traveled to any other places even in Malaysia. Please , I'm begging you. We could afford a lot more than that. I could stop my shopping , my brandedholic as you wish to. I need to get out from here as soon as possible. No ones can do that for me if you didn't. I'm sure I'm not asking for so much. I'd never wanted to be in this family. NEVER EVER. I pray anytime if I'm rich in the future I would leave here. I would be everyone you wouldn't want me to be. I would go everywhere you didn't bring me to. I hate to live like this. I hate holidays. And I worked too much. Every single holidays was meaningless to me. I stay home , hang out with friends , have the best lunch in town and it still mean nothing. I don't want to be here. I want to be in anywhere different. I hate the way you nurture me. I don't have any presents no matter how well I'd been. I had never.
Oh god. Guessing I cant do this anymore. All the things happened was heart breaking and even worse now I'm salting my every scars and it happen like the fresh scars. Tears roll in my eyes as they're prepared to rush out of my vulnerable eyes like fountain at any time. My hands trembling. I'm not some ungrateful child and I've educated well enough to deserve it. WE'RE ALL DYING AND WE'RE ALL WASTING OUR LIFE.
IT SLICES ME UP WHENEVER I THINK OF ALL THESE HAPPENED. I'm sensitive cause I knew my stand. You guys had never proud of me. I'm not a inferior child. You had never appreciate my existence. No one had ever did that.
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