Such a mess

      Too long not blogging literally made me sick. I don't know how to describe my life recently cause it such a mess that's so out of control.

      I've been applying job online actively as I realize it's too long not to work and I'm getting lazier. Many of my friends have been starting to work already though it's not high paid. I actually very mind of the payment as I need so much of it very soon (who doesn't?). And the bothering mind keeps thinking there's still time for me to work and I need to rest. I've been fighting so long for STPM and other things else. It haunted my mind and eating my soul. I stop progressing and planning to move to the next point. I'm just haunted and halted.

       My mum has been so grumbling about everything that I did while I'm not working was also one of a hell reason. There was the days I planned to hiking and cycling but my god damn mother thinks it's a waste of time and energy. "Hey mom, don't you suppose to know how to raise a boy?" I'm not even asking my mum to fetch me anywhere now because I'm trying and wanted so much to be on my own, be the real independent though I'm having their economical support for a very small part of my living.
"Mum, I hope you know, I need to do this. I need to live my life away from you. It may not be now or soon but eventually it'll be. And till then I'll be very appreciate for what you did for me even in a bad way."

      Talking about hiking, I bet no ones even myself  figure out why I'm so obsessed with it. I love hiking ever since my first hiking experience at broga hill. I still remember how I fall in love with it in the first place. There was one exhilarating morning, the paranomic view at the top of it surprised me in every way it did. The way of getting ups and downs amazed me and it still do now. The comforting breeze it's a reward of traveling all the way to here for hiking. Those sweating is even another reason I'll do this till the day I can't move my legs. You know, I actually blame my parents didn't bring us for hiking when I'm young and they don't even think about it. "Mum, I need this element in my life, every bit of it." I'm actually hoping that my family knows me well even the very bit of it or at least they try or show their effort in making myself more experience. However, that's the luxury thinking. That's why I feel I'm living by myself when your dearest thinks that everything you do is so unreasonably waste of time and energy. Imagine that buying a LV bag is not harder than asking them to know me better.

       I still have 6 months of my holidays. I need to travel around , that's the plan. I need to be working, earning my fees and paying my bills , that's also the plan. I need to save money for my uni fees and alls. I don't know how do I manage to survive this holidays which is harder than any holidays I've got in my life so far. And now, I'm still struggling in my STPM results, stucking in my upcoming retake exam and choosing my job and running for interviews. I'm so god damn busy making plan and tolerating those uncertainties in my life that's so fucking new to me. I've made my plan so clear in all my life but now I'm literally killing myself with all these plannings and uncertainties. I'm so not used to feel waiting others to make plan for me. Certainly not my job not anyone but now I've no choice. I have 2 jobs hanging which I don't know which to choose and I still have one interview to go among this 2 and not sure if they're hiring me. "Yeah, poor people accept the fact."

       Breath. Just fucking breath because that's the only thing I can control myself when everything is out of handling. I'm literally messing up my life with all these plannings and now it's getting intense. I'm so fucking out of it.  "Breath."

    Rainy night , famished and clueless mind. The raindrops aren't comforting, they're actually mocking.