Better off

 

   Have you ever feel that your feeling is so intense and you're so fragile in the middle of the night afraid that you're losing what you're having?


      Have you ever feel that you don't ever want to let it go but you have to cause you think that's better for everyone?


      Have you ever feel that you want to stay up all night just to wait for the sunrise so you could not miss it just because you're sleeping?


      Have you ever want to let go any of these feeling so eagerly so you wait and wait and wait for it to be gone miraculously ?



        Yes, I'm all these and I couldn't define myself. I'm all weary and messy. I keep telling myself that I'll be better, I would be. But deep down, the pieces is scaling off.


         And then I'm also telling myself that let me suspend with all these so I'll be better off, or I'll deserve to be better off because I just been through something uneasily. 



           Because things happen and change all the time, you can update yourself physically to it but not mentally and emotionally. We end up clinging up something we don't expect we will. We may respond things the way we expected but we can never expect we'll be better or we'll definitely be cool about it at the particular moment. So, you take time, you suspend yourself, you hook up with your novel or whatever music just to calm yourself down and just let you be okay with whatever you're not okay or you're not suppose to be okay with it. This is how we act, and especially in the midnight, the serenity and tranquility is perfect for someone who is broken. And then I believe I'm actually healing, like some kind of vampire having some blood meal (don't take me as creepy).



            We always wanted to believe that we're good enough, we're better off to deserve something that we're desire, but most of the time we don't. Actual fact: who has ever deserve any?
We always been told that we took things for granted, well, certainly I do not. I'm not some kind of narcissist, I do appreciate things the way they are but just not all the time. The thing is, has anyone appreciate that when we did not take things for granted?


           Okay, I'm missing the point I guess. Argh, this job got me depression and messed up.

   I've been being silence and I think this is the way I'm. But then, you realize you're not out of the sudden. Being hypnotize with all kind of things that calling you to thinking out loud, to be brave and be yourself. Why I'm thinking they're actually shaping everyone's life with all the "dreams come true" kind of fairytale. The fact is they encourage us to be stronger, patient, industrious and 300 more moral values which ones could not have all. 



          I don't need all kind of friends to decorate my life, and I don't need to be fancy. and I'm all myself I could think of. I'm complicated , messed up and all broken and fallen pieces. You're gonna hurt yourself when you pick them up. And then I said I lost the ability to ever be in love again or to ever love someone with all myself again because I WAS SO MESSED UP that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS LOVE. 


             I'm miserable. I used to be believing in all kind of things, now I just don't and I assume I'm losing them as I aged. Maybe it was an perfect excuse to cover up all my nonsense but I just couldn't define it. Or maybe, I should just keep whatever thoughts inside me and let it die hunger within myself.


          I'm better off now, at least I believe in that and so I'll be better. It's a cycle right? Don't we have a name for this kind of hypnotize?

     I knew I've not tell you what's going on actually, but assuming that you'll have the same feeling with me given the situation. And so, please believe that, we'll all be better absolutely. That's how we work, right?


             I would say, in this particular night, I was obsessed with the moonlight shower over the perfectly silence street and the shimmering stars are really kind of my thing.


   I'll be better off, better off, better off,...........................