Away from home ✈✈✈

    I've been chatting with 2 close friends recently. It did surprised me as one of them lost his boyfriend and it broke her world. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for her, be there for everyone who needs me and I don't know if I'm ever ready for myself and any of these too. We're all too busy taking care of ourself cautiously. I still remember the last boyfriend who broke with her just before our final, she ends up with bad grades, calling everyone she knows for help, wetting her bed every night and still pain after all. I remember how I comfort her in so many times until I fed up and let her die with all her thoughts. I was such a bad friend. Now I bet that's her worst week, because she's never like that now. I'm so glad she's stronger and eventually everyone of us become stronger. I'm so happy she make it through, didn't call out everyone and cry over it. I don't know if I should ever compare the circumstances but I wanted to point out that we're all different and it's so so good.

    Another close friend is having her 21 birthday today. I'm really glad we're still friend until now, 8 years and still counting. One thing I want to point it out in this friendship was we didn't expect we will be this close from the beginning. Our friendship started as we argue everyday, saying the worst things to each of us, screaming and playing in the bus after school and now that became our best memories. I miss us. How we become friend, how we get close and how we depend on each other to move on. It's not easy for both of us to be frank of our struggle, especially we're both private person and don't normally share these with others.

I started to miss all this moment as we were so young, innocent and carefree. We were never bother about life and how we look in the old days. We'll never be as young as these days. We'll never be as innocent as these days. We learned life in the harsh way and that eventually made us stronger and stronger.

So I've been kicked out from my comfort zone, I've made my choice to study away from home which I believe is a better choice after all. I don't know my life now as I've never been like this before. I don't know how to define everything because it's all uncertain. I don't know how explain something because it just happened that way naturally. I don't know how to describe everything that I'm making it through, lucky? Unlucky? And it made me remain grateful for so many things it should've happen but it didn't. I could have the worst roommate but I didn't. I could've the worst room but I didn't. I could never be enough grateful for just these. I believe I've change, in so many ways. I study quite hard now, which thankfully to my elite roommate make me this way and encourage me to study as hard as them. I have to admit I'm not a clever or study smart person. I'm lazy and sleepy all the time. I don't care my result as I believe if that's my passion, I'll pursue it.

I've been joining dancing class recently which is waltz and urban dancing. I've been doing things very different from my past and so many things I've not done before. I don't know about the outcome but I know that I should try and I'm trying now, basically everything. I got the 2nd place in my faculty run of 6 km. 1st time ever joining any running event and get prizes is another bonus for me as I've been jogging for years to maintain my body weight. I'm feeling as much as possible and not taking everything for granted like I used to. I've been doing my own laundry which I think it's tiring. I've not try to minimize the cloths I wear because I just can't. I can't be wearing the same cloths that I sit on my chair and then to my bed. I miss my home that I could sleep so much and so nothing in a day but still get food. Because now I don't get food if I don't cook or go cafe to pay for it. I'm literally taking care of myself, my own feelings and my effort to keel so many things as whole. I'm so broken when I came, I watch sunrise and sunset as to heal my soul. Now I wish I have the chance to be there every sets and rises of the sun.

It makes me so emotional when I'm missing some big event of my friends which I think I should be there. I don't want to miss anything and I don't want my friend to miss mine also. I've thought about so many things, so many things that made me this way and so many things that impressed me. I remember my sunrise and sunset hiking, sunset cruising, adventurous jungle trekking cause we were lost, exhilarating rock climbing, wonderful snorkeling, breathless swimming, sunrise and sunset jogging, endless food hunting, roadtripping and island hopping. I've been exploring around though I have lesser chance to do it now because of all the academic thingy I have to take so much care of. I'm making things personal and private so my friends would feel exclusive of my everything and eventually understand their place in my heart.

I don't know if this is temporary, but I do, I mean it. When I look back what I used to have, my life have been changed drastically. I no longer life comfortably in my comfort zone and perhaps, that's the best thing ever happen to me. And for any of my friend who struggle on living, I want to tell you we're all struggling about life and everything. I want you to know it's not the worst and you're so much better than yesterday. I want you to appreciate and be grateful for so many things you have regardless you deserve it or not. I want you to be contented with life experiences and not possessions. I wish I could be someone very different from I used to be. Someone I would proudly call myself as explorer.