Moment

I'm feeling blessed to be able to breath it all in, to be standing this height, to feel the breeze, to walk to same way but still feeling fresh and surprised.

I appreciate the things that keep me feeling alive and all human.

I appreciate all these hiking in the dark with dim useless torch light and exaggerate winds that wanted to blow you away and all those breathless talk.

I miss all these pre sunrise talking,the monster plants that want to eat usus, the rising heat, the fading darkness, the shimmering moonlight become golden rays of sunlight.

That was moment.

Backed

I wanted to escape

We all know time flies. We are not the person we were yesterday. It took so much just been through one day. All these struggles make us better and stronger man.

I used to learn and get to know things in an easy way. I haven't been thoughtful and careful enough. I haven't been mature and I rather being a kid most of the time.
This 4 months was hard enough. Being in another world I just refuse to get in but then having no other option. It was really hard. I don't know how I survive that but I just did. I may seems happy and people think I do or I just wanted them to think that way?

There was plenty of time I wanted to say how hard it has been but there is no one. There is never someone. I remember I was so used to be struggling, and mostly in late nights, I couldn't sleep but just staring at the sky or the emptiness of everything, thinking. It can never fill the void I knew. I remember I talk to no one because I don't even know what was going on and it was not sheer exaggerate at all that I couldn't fall asleep in night. I don't know how should it be settled and how should I take all these in time.

I came back as another person. I don't think I could be the one I used to be. I couldn't find myself anymore. I feel like I lost it like forever and it's too much and intense to feel everything. All these sunrises and sunsets felt never the same like they used to be. I don't seem fathomed all the things I remembered. I never look at the same thing the same way I did. They are never the same. I am different and I have changed in some way that I hadn't knew but I just did. There is nothing can define what is it now.

I was supposed to meet up with everyone I could think of but now I'm saying this was no big business. I don't have to share this all along. People are busy and I'm the one has nothing to do just seems so odd cause I have always been the busy one. Maybe it's just the fact that we don't mean that much to each other like how we think we do.

For all the record I could remember, I'm nothing more than disappointment. If you ever happen to have just a little bit expectation on me that you might prepare yourself for the worst case because it never turns out otherwise. I'm living with these, every single day of my life, having every kind of reminder of how failed I'm in this life, things couldn't be worse. 

I don't know what to say, I don't know how to put all these into limited boxes in my head and arrange them systematically so I got it all controlled. When it comes to night then I'm screw. Can never do something quite just because my mind keep running and thinking. One moment I'm with these but my mind was with others the next. I couldn't hold myself for any longer.

I don't know. I've tried not to think but it doesn't help. Well, I'm screwed.

Finally home ✈✈

I'm finally home after 4 months+ and so many struggles. Feeling tremendous exciting to be home and remain ever grateful for every single thing I've been through in these mere times.

We have overweight luggage and thanks god my friend got another empty bag just enough to put all my extra stuffs in although at last she was unfortunate unable to hop on the same flight with me. Bad start of my day.

I was suffocating inside the plane simply because I couldn't fall asleep despite I just have like 2 hours of sleep the previous night. That was simply too small a space for people. I have an average height but still couldn't place my legs comfortably. *I was telling the truth and not complaining*

I was tiring and exhausted when getting down from plane. Feeling heavy headed and breathless. After sending off my friend, then I was looking for my own friend.

And then here she came, we finally meet each other and huggggss. *I wish we hug a little longer or I miss you kiss perhaps*,😳😳😳
And then I remember we had a long day running for whatever not so related stuffs.
I was drained and bone-weary and miraculously holding myself until night.
I have been missing everything here.

My house had changed a little since I'm gone. There was puppy outside my balcony that I could feed them sometimes. Dining table is prettier, got every door repaired and painted.
One thing I could not find familiar was my wardrobe was all displaced. I couldn't find my cloths and this pissed me off countless time.
I couldn't find the novel I last read, I couldn't find my favorite piece of bedsheets. It has all changed because it was not necessarily to be where they're suppose to be just because they didn't meant for it after all.

Now I'm the one unnecessary.
Still feeling glad can finally be home safely, it all took quite a journey and it has never been easy.

GOODBYE 2015

2015 comes to an end. How I wish everything could stay the same but now I'm another year older.
2015 has been an amazing year. I have the longest holidays in my life. I could be almost everything when I don't have to schedule to school. I have my first full time job. I have been through ups and downs in just a few months. Working as customer service consultant has never been easy and yet I didn't plan for that in the past time. I have to be precisely correct and sure about every information given. I have to train my soft skill, I have to be confident and calm and patient. There was so much struggle and pleasure.

I had my first island trip to Redang Island in 2015 and then there comes 2nd, 3rd and 4th islands so far which is Kapas Island, Sapi Island, Manukan Island. I had countless great time there. One of the exhilarating experience was the rock climbing, I'm so amazed by myself, fearless. I can do it without any safety measure, with my bare hands and foots. I could've died if I just slipped off even a little. I have my sunrise moment and first time ever snorkeling there. I was in bad luck or should I say good luck. There were rainy all days that I couldn't even have my snorkeling session. 

I had my first road trip with friends from KL to IPOH to KUALA KANGSAR to TAIPING then PENANG. We probably utilized almost every kind of public transport except for plane. There were so many adventurous moments. We have been reckless and unplanned. There was rainy days when we reach IPOH. Cancelling out some of the place we would like to visit, and most of the day we were late and have to cancel some other places. I've tried and learned many things in that road trip. Not only being cooperation and contribution to the whole team but also taking care of each other during the whole trip. There were moment we have different opinion and ended up separating for that particular time. It was all great experience though it's costly.

Another big thing is I'm offered to study in University Malaysia Sabah. This is a new stage in my life.
Having tertiary education in one of the Government University is something that I wish for. Not only it was subsidized but also the academic quality has been assured. I wasn't that optimistic when I knew I was coming here that time. It all took me quite an effort to figure out all these, and accept that as the next stage of my life. I couldn't define that for now. I can only say it wasn't bad after all. I feel satisfy and contained here. It has been already 4 months, and I'm closer to the day going back to home. I can't wait for any of these. Going back home, being able to be myself ever again, chasing sunrises and sunsets. I can't wait to share with my friends how my life has been.


2015, I could never be grateful enough for everything.

Away from home ✈✈✈

    I've been chatting with 2 close friends recently. It did surprised me as one of them lost his boyfriend and it broke her world. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for her, be there for everyone who needs me and I don't know if I'm ever ready for myself and any of these too. We're all too busy taking care of ourself cautiously. I still remember the last boyfriend who broke with her just before our final, she ends up with bad grades, calling everyone she knows for help, wetting her bed every night and still pain after all. I remember how I comfort her in so many times until I fed up and let her die with all her thoughts. I was such a bad friend. Now I bet that's her worst week, because she's never like that now. I'm so glad she's stronger and eventually everyone of us become stronger. I'm so happy she make it through, didn't call out everyone and cry over it. I don't know if I should ever compare the circumstances but I wanted to point out that we're all different and it's so so good.

    Another close friend is having her 21 birthday today. I'm really glad we're still friend until now, 8 years and still counting. One thing I want to point it out in this friendship was we didn't expect we will be this close from the beginning. Our friendship started as we argue everyday, saying the worst things to each of us, screaming and playing in the bus after school and now that became our best memories. I miss us. How we become friend, how we get close and how we depend on each other to move on. It's not easy for both of us to be frank of our struggle, especially we're both private person and don't normally share these with others.

I started to miss all this moment as we were so young, innocent and carefree. We were never bother about life and how we look in the old days. We'll never be as young as these days. We'll never be as innocent as these days. We learned life in the harsh way and that eventually made us stronger and stronger.

So I've been kicked out from my comfort zone, I've made my choice to study away from home which I believe is a better choice after all. I don't know my life now as I've never been like this before. I don't know how to define everything because it's all uncertain. I don't know how explain something because it just happened that way naturally. I don't know how to describe everything that I'm making it through, lucky? Unlucky? And it made me remain grateful for so many things it should've happen but it didn't. I could have the worst roommate but I didn't. I could've the worst room but I didn't. I could never be enough grateful for just these. I believe I've change, in so many ways. I study quite hard now, which thankfully to my elite roommate make me this way and encourage me to study as hard as them. I have to admit I'm not a clever or study smart person. I'm lazy and sleepy all the time. I don't care my result as I believe if that's my passion, I'll pursue it.

I've been joining dancing class recently which is waltz and urban dancing. I've been doing things very different from my past and so many things I've not done before. I don't know about the outcome but I know that I should try and I'm trying now, basically everything. I got the 2nd place in my faculty run of 6 km. 1st time ever joining any running event and get prizes is another bonus for me as I've been jogging for years to maintain my body weight. I'm feeling as much as possible and not taking everything for granted like I used to. I've been doing my own laundry which I think it's tiring. I've not try to minimize the cloths I wear because I just can't. I can't be wearing the same cloths that I sit on my chair and then to my bed. I miss my home that I could sleep so much and so nothing in a day but still get food. Because now I don't get food if I don't cook or go cafe to pay for it. I'm literally taking care of myself, my own feelings and my effort to keel so many things as whole. I'm so broken when I came, I watch sunrise and sunset as to heal my soul. Now I wish I have the chance to be there every sets and rises of the sun.

It makes me so emotional when I'm missing some big event of my friends which I think I should be there. I don't want to miss anything and I don't want my friend to miss mine also. I've thought about so many things, so many things that made me this way and so many things that impressed me. I remember my sunrise and sunset hiking, sunset cruising, adventurous jungle trekking cause we were lost, exhilarating rock climbing, wonderful snorkeling, breathless swimming, sunrise and sunset jogging, endless food hunting, roadtripping and island hopping. I've been exploring around though I have lesser chance to do it now because of all the academic thingy I have to take so much care of. I'm making things personal and private so my friends would feel exclusive of my everything and eventually understand their place in my heart.

I don't know if this is temporary, but I do, I mean it. When I look back what I used to have, my life have been changed drastically. I no longer life comfortably in my comfort zone and perhaps, that's the best thing ever happen to me. And for any of my friend who struggle on living, I want to tell you we're all struggling about life and everything. I want you to know it's not the worst and you're so much better than yesterday. I want you to appreciate and be grateful for so many things you have regardless you deserve it or not. I want you to be contented with life experiences and not possessions. I wish I could be someone very different from I used to be. Someone I would proudly call myself as explorer.

Better off

 

   Have you ever feel that your feeling is so intense and you're so fragile in the middle of the night afraid that you're losing what you're having?


      Have you ever feel that you don't ever want to let it go but you have to cause you think that's better for everyone?


      Have you ever feel that you want to stay up all night just to wait for the sunrise so you could not miss it just because you're sleeping?


      Have you ever want to let go any of these feeling so eagerly so you wait and wait and wait for it to be gone miraculously ?



        Yes, I'm all these and I couldn't define myself. I'm all weary and messy. I keep telling myself that I'll be better, I would be. But deep down, the pieces is scaling off.


         And then I'm also telling myself that let me suspend with all these so I'll be better off, or I'll deserve to be better off because I just been through something uneasily. 



           Because things happen and change all the time, you can update yourself physically to it but not mentally and emotionally. We end up clinging up something we don't expect we will. We may respond things the way we expected but we can never expect we'll be better or we'll definitely be cool about it at the particular moment. So, you take time, you suspend yourself, you hook up with your novel or whatever music just to calm yourself down and just let you be okay with whatever you're not okay or you're not suppose to be okay with it. This is how we act, and especially in the midnight, the serenity and tranquility is perfect for someone who is broken. And then I believe I'm actually healing, like some kind of vampire having some blood meal (don't take me as creepy).



            We always wanted to believe that we're good enough, we're better off to deserve something that we're desire, but most of the time we don't. Actual fact: who has ever deserve any?
We always been told that we took things for granted, well, certainly I do not. I'm not some kind of narcissist, I do appreciate things the way they are but just not all the time. The thing is, has anyone appreciate that when we did not take things for granted?


           Okay, I'm missing the point I guess. Argh, this job got me depression and messed up.

   I've been being silence and I think this is the way I'm. But then, you realize you're not out of the sudden. Being hypnotize with all kind of things that calling you to thinking out loud, to be brave and be yourself. Why I'm thinking they're actually shaping everyone's life with all the "dreams come true" kind of fairytale. The fact is they encourage us to be stronger, patient, industrious and 300 more moral values which ones could not have all. 



          I don't need all kind of friends to decorate my life, and I don't need to be fancy. and I'm all myself I could think of. I'm complicated , messed up and all broken and fallen pieces. You're gonna hurt yourself when you pick them up. And then I said I lost the ability to ever be in love again or to ever love someone with all myself again because I WAS SO MESSED UP that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS LOVE. 


             I'm miserable. I used to be believing in all kind of things, now I just don't and I assume I'm losing them as I aged. Maybe it was an perfect excuse to cover up all my nonsense but I just couldn't define it. Or maybe, I should just keep whatever thoughts inside me and let it die hunger within myself.


          I'm better off now, at least I believe in that and so I'll be better. It's a cycle right? Don't we have a name for this kind of hypnotize?

     I knew I've not tell you what's going on actually, but assuming that you'll have the same feeling with me given the situation. And so, please believe that, we'll all be better absolutely. That's how we work, right?


             I would say, in this particular night, I was obsessed with the moonlight shower over the perfectly silence street and the shimmering stars are really kind of my thing.


   I'll be better off, better off, better off,...........................

Such a mess

      Too long not blogging literally made me sick. I don't know how to describe my life recently cause it such a mess that's so out of control.

      I've been applying job online actively as I realize it's too long not to work and I'm getting lazier. Many of my friends have been starting to work already though it's not high paid. I actually very mind of the payment as I need so much of it very soon (who doesn't?). And the bothering mind keeps thinking there's still time for me to work and I need to rest. I've been fighting so long for STPM and other things else. It haunted my mind and eating my soul. I stop progressing and planning to move to the next point. I'm just haunted and halted.

       My mum has been so grumbling about everything that I did while I'm not working was also one of a hell reason. There was the days I planned to hiking and cycling but my god damn mother thinks it's a waste of time and energy. "Hey mom, don't you suppose to know how to raise a boy?" I'm not even asking my mum to fetch me anywhere now because I'm trying and wanted so much to be on my own, be the real independent though I'm having their economical support for a very small part of my living.
"Mum, I hope you know, I need to do this. I need to live my life away from you. It may not be now or soon but eventually it'll be. And till then I'll be very appreciate for what you did for me even in a bad way."

      Talking about hiking, I bet no ones even myself  figure out why I'm so obsessed with it. I love hiking ever since my first hiking experience at broga hill. I still remember how I fall in love with it in the first place. There was one exhilarating morning, the paranomic view at the top of it surprised me in every way it did. The way of getting ups and downs amazed me and it still do now. The comforting breeze it's a reward of traveling all the way to here for hiking. Those sweating is even another reason I'll do this till the day I can't move my legs. You know, I actually blame my parents didn't bring us for hiking when I'm young and they don't even think about it. "Mum, I need this element in my life, every bit of it." I'm actually hoping that my family knows me well even the very bit of it or at least they try or show their effort in making myself more experience. However, that's the luxury thinking. That's why I feel I'm living by myself when your dearest thinks that everything you do is so unreasonably waste of time and energy. Imagine that buying a LV bag is not harder than asking them to know me better.

       I still have 6 months of my holidays. I need to travel around , that's the plan. I need to be working, earning my fees and paying my bills , that's also the plan. I need to save money for my uni fees and alls. I don't know how do I manage to survive this holidays which is harder than any holidays I've got in my life so far. And now, I'm still struggling in my STPM results, stucking in my upcoming retake exam and choosing my job and running for interviews. I'm so god damn busy making plan and tolerating those uncertainties in my life that's so fucking new to me. I've made my plan so clear in all my life but now I'm literally killing myself with all these plannings and uncertainties. I'm so not used to feel waiting others to make plan for me. Certainly not my job not anyone but now I've no choice. I have 2 jobs hanging which I don't know which to choose and I still have one interview to go among this 2 and not sure if they're hiring me. "Yeah, poor people accept the fact."

       Breath. Just fucking breath because that's the only thing I can control myself when everything is out of handling. I'm literally messing up my life with all these plannings and now it's getting intense. I'm so fucking out of it.  "Breath."

    Rainy night , famished and clueless mind. The raindrops aren't comforting, they're actually mocking.